Some of the Things I Do (Or Wish I Did) as told by John Williams' Songs

Wouldn't it be great if everyone said their birthday's the way we say America's? United States of America born of blood, sweat and tears on the Fourth of July Seventeen Hundred and Seventy Six. I like to think of The Declaration of Independence as America's birth certificate. And the Revolutionary War was like her really tumultuous adolescence that only added to her character later in life. When was I born? The Twenty Third of August Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Nine! I would say whilst jumping to stand on some higher level platform (be it chair, step, or table) while the Olympic Fanfare was playing subtly to a leaping crescendo in the background. And since I like to keep a small supply of firecrackers on me (where legal) and tiny but spectacular festival of pops and flashes.

Whenever I do any grand domestic activities like clean my apartment, make (microwave) dinner, fold my laundry, etc. I like to listen to the Indiana Jones theme song (from Raiders of the Lost Ark to be specific). I become the great crusader of trendily small lofts in the urban metropolis that is Saint Louis. I hate doing chores. Hate. It. So literally the only way for me to accomplish any household task without quitting to go on Wikipedia to try to find historical inaccuracies is to set my chores to some adventurous, powerful, orchestral ballad. Yes it takes me exponentially longer to scrub my bathroom. Yes, I will ignore your phone call because if I stopped conducting with my spatula to answer the band wouldn't know what to do and then the song would be ruined. Yes sometimes I get caught up and daringly jump from arm chair to couch to retrieve five half drunk (drank? drinked?) diet sodas from my side table. But you turn on Theme from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark and tell me you wouldn't do the same thing...or something similar. That tune is so good that I am pretty confident if I listened to it while I was running...on repeat...I might accidentally run a marathon. Fortunately my iPod's battery doesn't last that long...so there's no risk in unlocking that hidden potential.

The Facebook News Feed. It's a dangerous vortex. You can "accidentally" wind up stalking someone you haven't seen in three years, or have only seen that one time, or are afraid to friend request but they have an unusually open profile so you HAVE to do it. All of a sudden its 10 PM at night and you're like how did I get here?! I was supposed to be doing my chores! Who turned off Indiana Jones?! Who am I?! It's not my fault, if you change your profile picture, update your status, and become friends with four of my other friends...Ima have to see what's goin on. And now the latest version of the FBNF lets you scroll down FOREVER...it has become that black hole in the universe that Stephen Hawking keeps talking about. And what about the "people you may know." The worst is when you have 56 mutual friends with Blah Blah and you have NO IDEA who that is...that's why you call them Blah Blah. How do 56 of my friends know Blah Blah and I don't?! And then you have a crisis of self.

Well I definitely can't delete my Facebook (because I'm too important and it would cause people to worry) so what's a girl to do? Scroll through the FBNF but ONLY when listening to the Star Wars Opening Credits Theme. Start at the top annnndddd cue stream of consciousness...

Okay (deep breath) here we go, whadda we got today. 48 people changed their profile pictures. Awesome! John Smith wrote "Happy Birthday Liz" on Liz Dawgs wall. Crap! Thank God I saw that...scramble scramble (this is the scrambly bit of the song) type type type. And were back to the NF (friendship intact). A bunch of Seniors uploaded pictures from Finnys. That's mean. I hate them. Delete from NF. Somebody posted a new Dom Mazzetti video. Like. New post from Cool Material about filling out Customs forms when astronauts return from the moon. Hilarious. Like. See another Facebook app that threatens to show "Who's been looking at your profile." Panic. Confirm it is not legit. Emo status update with too many emoticons. Wish there was a dislike button. Delete from NF. Whoa! 1 new notification? Joy! I love that little red notey thing. Horrors! Incredibly unflattering picture uploaded by so called "friend" (in comes Darth Vadery part of song). Scramble scramble to de-tag. Too complicated with new FB. Remember that your pictures are invisible. Relief. Text friend to delete photo JIC. And then the song is over so you have to get off the FBNF.

I find the insignificant things in life that are sort of significant to me are a whole lot better when you set them to a little JW. And be wary of forgetting my birthday. Because if you have to ask...I've got a whole show lined up.

I Think. Therefore I Drink. Therefore. I have a Job.

This is a blog about nothing in particular. I had a blog (a xanga) when I was a teen and though when I read it now it's rather wretched (I would like to delete it but I cant...because I made it with a fake AOL email address) it offers a hilarious insight into who I was at 15 and 16...the majority of who I still am today minus the obsession with quoting Wedding Crashers and the unneccessary use of emoticons (which I now scorn with a passion and only use when being ironic ;)

I just graduated from THE best school in the universe and am very fortunate to be employed at a company with whom I share a common interest. But even though I'm in my 20s (ew!) I still desperately hope that one day I will open up my closet door and get transported on a magical adventure to a faraway place not even on Google maps, learn how to ride a horse, fight in a battle or two, destroy the One Ring, vanquish Lord Voldemort, master the Force, fly past that second star on the right, all whilst sporadically breaking out into various choreographed song and dance routines.

I really dont like scary movies or overly zealous evil villains becase they often creep their way into my dreams and RUIN them. Whenever I really psyche myself out (which happens a lot because I have a really powerful imaginaton...even on my off days) and am 98% positive that the aliens from Signs are hiding in my shower or that my apartment building is haunted by disgruntled spice traders from the 1800s or that I forgot to lock my door and the scary government workers in white suits from E.T. are definitely waiting to grab me from around the corner...I always find comfort in the fact that even if that scary, outlandish villain from my nightmares existed and did really come to take me from this life I would only be 93% really scared because the other 7% of me would be excited to know that the extraordinary isn't so out of the ordinary...or even better, that I am a part of the extraordinary. Thus thwarting their dastardly plan for me (at least partially). Therefore, as in all great stories, good (me) triumphs over evil (aliens, malevolent ghosts, and misdirected government employees).

I have another theory I apply to most things that scare me. For everything I am afraid of I try to think of their benevolent counterpart. Not all aliens want to blow up the earth...some just want to go home. Most ghosts are just misunderstood (thank you Haley Joel Osment and Bruce Willis...and M. Night Shamylan). Captain Hook and other angry pirates are mostly funny...and probably just need a good drink (am I right Capn' Morgan...and Jack Sparrow). The evil witch in Snow White is scary as hell but I don't eat apples so I think I'm okay on that front. I had a little trouble with Lord Voldemort at first but Deathly Hallows showed us that Voldy's one true weakness is his inability to understand the power of love where as my one true strength is my great ability to understand the power of love (thank you Jesus and Celine Dion). And also as alluded to above...if Lord Voldemort came leering around the corner tomorrow to Avada Kedavra me to a metaphorical Kings Cross I would have two dying thoughts...the first, YES, I knew the Wizarding World existed....and second, WHY THE F did I not receive a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And then just before I could come to the conclusion that my letter DID (just as I have always suspected) get lost in that god damned muggle mail service...I would be dead.

I'm also afraid of the Devil...specifically from the Bible...as portrayed in The Passion of the Christ and Dante's Inferno. That one I'm still working on...but I generally try to live by my Grandmother's advice, "Be good to each other...and don't fall in with evil companions."