Dear Mr. Abrams,
Let me begin by congratulating you on receiving the illustrious honor of directing the first episode of the third Star Wars Trilogy. Second let me commend you on your numerous past cinematic triumphs and applaud the masterpiece that is the television series LOST. Now to my point sir. Here follows...
1. Mo' Money Mo' Problems...Less Money Less Problems
I'm cheap! I'm not the Hollywood elite, I'm not even Hollywood garbage. I don't have a slew of commercially successful RomComs or a couple of ironically adorable Indies on my resume. My headshot is a creepy selfie I took the time I thought my eyes looked green. You can hire me at what can only be described as "the bargain of the millenium" because I think being able to make five stacks of ten quarters is hitting the jackpot. And you know what that means...MORE MONEY FOR SPACE EXPLOSIONS AND LIGHTSABER DUELS!
2. Ambassador of the Franchise
I love ALL the Star Wars movies. I love the original original trilogy. I love the various incarnations of the original trilogy since then. I love the prequels. I love that people think I'm not a true Star Wars fan for loving the prequels (whatever losers I love a prolonged background story!) I love them on VHS, in theaters, on DVD, BluRay, rented on iTunes, and on the Force of July Marathon on the Spike television network. And I LOVE that Star Wars will be a trilogy of trilogies. A TRILOGY. OF TRILOGIES. That is SO Star Wars. And I love that.
3. Widows Peak
The women of Star Wars (and somtimes the men...waddup Padawan braid) are known for their ridiculous hairstyles. Namely, Princess Leia's cinnamon bun headphones. Padmae had no distinctive coiffure but I think we can all agree that she consistently looked stupid. I have a widows peak which is a built in iconic Star Wars hairstyle with none of the fuss or extensions.
4. Powerful Emotional Range
As solid as digital Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson's acting was in the prequels I think we all wanted to hang ourselves whenever Hayden Christensen tried to act outside the range of smiling and prophetic nightmares. Since I'm gunning for a lead role I want to make it clear that I can turn it on. You want me to cry? I'm already crying. You want me to turn it off? I just stopped.
5. Stereotyping
Some "actors" might be wary of joining the Star Wars empire (LOLz get it geeks?!) for fear of being stereotyped forever as a jedi, sith lord, puppet alien, etc. Those actors are stupid. I have no problem being known for the rest of my life as that "clever, witty pseudo actress with a powerful emotional range who played the first female head of the Jedi order and then did a couple of moderately lucrative Disney animated features before she fell off the face of the Hollywood sign." Bring on obscurity.
6. Fisher
Carrie Fisher is my cousin. No she's not. But I do have cousins. Lots of 'em! Mixing fact and fiction. See what a good actress I am even in my blog!
7. Fat/Skinny/Not Blonde
Whatever look you need for this Tril you got it. Need me to be fat. I've had that dream diet prepared since 6th grade when I used to fantasize on family roadtrips that our car had a microwave so I could make fresh Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Or is my character an emaciated detainee from the last garrison of the crumbling Empire? I'll make Anne Hathaway look like a chump. I'll feast on my dreams and nothing else for six months. However I do draw the line at blonde. I'm not being stubborn, just trying to save the aesthetic look of the franchise.
8. No Sleep 'til Coruscant
As previous blog posts will detail...I don't really sleep. I will literally film Episodes VII, VIII and IX straight through. In fact that would probably be preferable so if people hate me (which they won't...I'm incredibly charming) it will be too late.
9. You Like Me! You Really Like Me!
When I inevitably become the first Star Wars actor to win an Academy Award for Star Wars (Best Supporting Actress OR Best Actress...depending on how big a role you want to give me) I swear on my first edition Harry Potter collection (whoa crossing genres!) that you will be the first person I thank. And if I defy all the odds and win ANOTHER Oscar for a different movie, I'll thank you first again! In fact, anytime I thank anyone for anything...I'll thank you first. Example: "Well first I must thank JJ Abrams...and thank YOU for passing the nachos!"
10. BYOL? IAOAL! (IPTSMGMARO)
Bring your own Lightsaber? I already own a Lightsaber! (It's plastic though so maybe give me a real one).
I appreciate your consideration and eagerly await your response. May the force be with you.
J. Fisher
