Waltz of the Insomnia Blues

What I do When I Can't Fall Asleep...

(because I am scared)

Firstly, and most rationally, I check that my door is locked and the latches on my windows are shut. Then I grab my car keys and put them on the window ledge next to my bed in case I need to make a quick get away. I settle myself into my ring of strategically placed protective pillows and begin the Waltz of the Insomnia Blues. And it goes a little somethin' like this:

1. Tweet (@superjoanie23)

You may notice that if I tweet late at night its usually in rapid succession and focused around something I find comforting...whether it be food, Meryl Streep, or my grand plans to "work out" in the morning. This form of tweeting is the electronic version of somebody trying not to psyche themselves out.

2. Blog (doy)

Guess what I'm doing right now?!

3. Try to figure out the background music used in trailers that I like

Two of my proudest discoveries were "PM's Love Theme" from Love Actually which was used in the UK trailer for The Young Victoria and "Quest for Glory" by Q-Factory featured in the second trailer for The Lorax. Currently I am trying to figure out what the music is at the end of the trailer for Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. It's a real doozy

4. Double check that I know the proper way to use "its" and "it's"

For your information "its"is the possessive pronoun and "it's" is the contraction for "it is." I'm going to have to spell check this blog post real good or I will look like a class A jerk!

5. Attempt to read A Confederacy of Dunces for the millionth time.

A book I feel like I should really enjoy but have never been able to read past chaptero uno. I have 3 copies of it. One I bought at the Borders Going Out of Business Sale, one I "inherited" from the Massachusetts Public Library system and one I downloaded onto my e-reader.

6. Regret my decision to buy a NOOK

Curse myself for letting the sales person at Barnes and Noble seduce me with her song and dance routine about the magic of tablet reading...And then curse me again for convincing myself that I would just buy it now and come back tomorrow to return it. Well tomorrow's come and gone and I've saddled myself with what can only be described as an extremely expensive ongoing game of Sudoku.

7. Review my finances in an attempt to bore myself to sleep

8. Look up quotes from The Princess Diaries and try to mimic all the characters.

When The Princess Diaries first came out I was in the throes of two major life events. The first being that I was dead set on becoming an actress, a star of stage and screen, the darling of Hollywood...the second and far more terrifying...I was a pre-teen. You can ask any of my friends or family from that time in my life and they will tell you...from the ages of 11-14 I was a complete nightmare...hell in a hand basket...God's fury unleashed on a small quadrant of the South. The Princess Diaries was the epitome of everything I wanted when I was 12 years old which was of course to be an actress in a successful Disney movie as well as the long lost heir to an obscure European throne. About an hour after seeing TPD I had a complete melt down at my kitchen table, crying inconsolably that life was so unfair. And here I am 10 years later dreaming the same dreams.

9. Make lists:

Stupid Movies (that I also own on DVD because I love them) with Great Trailers 

Pearl Harbor (Original Teaser Trailer)

Legend of the Guardians

Transformers 2: Dark of the Moon

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (The Teaser)

Planet of the Apes: Rise of the Apes

Top 5 Favorite Foods Listed A-E

      A. Publix Subs

      B. Popcorn and M&Ms

      C. Spongebob Macaroni and Cheese

      D. Spinach and Artichoke Dip from Houlihans

      E. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

Some Reasons Why NASA Should Hire Me

      1. Public Relations. Sometimes you gotta help the space nerds out!

      2. I am very familiar with the intricacies of manned space flight due to sheer number of times I have seen the movies Armageddon, Apollo 13, and The Right Stuff.

      3. Have created 5 Phase Plan (over a 3 year time interval) to reinvigorate our nations youth with the passion for space travel. Complete with slogan for commercials, swag, and twitter trends. #InspiringTomorrowsAstronautsTodayWithTheHeroesOfYesterday

10. Try to decide how to introduce my future children to Harry Potter

Option 1) In utero. 

Option 2) On his (I say his because I plan on only having sons! Just kidding…sort of.) 10^th birthday give him my original Sorcerer’s Stone. On the inside cover (underneath "Property of Joanie Degnan Fisher" and my autograph) I will inscribe " Son, ALWAYS remember...with great power comes great responsibility." This serves a two-fold purpose. First it shows my son that I am entrusting him with his own Harry Potter education, thus instilling in him at a young age a sense of purpose and duty. Second, when he is older and has finished his own journey with Harry Potter, he will see that just as Severus Snape always loved Lily, I will always love him...even when he marries a woman I deem not good enough.

Option 3) Give him Sorcerer's Stone on his 10^th birthday but DONT trust him to be able to capture the magic of Harry Potter on his own. Which of course means I will release the Harry Potter books to him on the time frame that I read them. (He gets 1,2 and 3 right away...then has to wait for 4,5,6, and 7 the appropriate amount of agonizing years...I will be hosting midnight release parties).

However two things are ABSOLUTELY certain. One, no child of mine will see any Harry Potter movie until they have read at least books 1-4 so as to develop untainted character/story visualization and understanding. And two...you should pity my sons.

11. Listen to my “flying” playlist

This is a playlist I developed sophomore year in an attempt to control my dreams. The working hypothesis is that if I think hard enough about flying before I go to sleep that I will be able to get myself to fly in my dreams. I have never had a better dream than a dream in which I am flying. I recently had a dream that I got to sit in the royal box at the Olympic Closing ceremonies...wearing 2 gold medals and a shiny diamond ring and STILL my flying dreams kick my decorated athlete-royally engaged to be married-dream's ass. I have yet to perfect the science of sleep flying but if you are interested in joining my study please contact me and I will provide you with the "flying" playlist as well as meditation guidelines.

12. Watch the Friends Gag Reel (1994-2004) on YouTube and pretend I’m one of the gang.

13. Battle with my conscience over the amount of guilt I should feel for enjoying the movie version of the DaVinci Code.

14. Due to moral battle throw up a quick "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep"
...and a "Hail Mary" and "Glory Be" and a couple decades of the rosary just to safe.

15.Watch the Extended Cut version of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

This is the only movie I have on my iPhone and BOY does it take up a lot of memory. I usually fall asleep halfway through…not because I don’t love this 263 minute ode to Tolkien's Middle-Earth...but because by this time the waltz is ending, the band is tired, the sun has begun to rise and it is once again safe for me to sleep.