A Beginners Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

I have one doozy of a fascination with one of my deepest fears: apocalyptic disasters. You know what they say…keep your friends close and your enemies closer…and unpredictable nature is definitely my foe. I have watched every documentary on Netflix concerning the predictions of Nostradamus, the Mayans and former Vice President Al Gore. I know more about volcanoes, tornadoes, blizzards and solar storms than your average 23 year old probably should. If you checked my Google/Wikipedia history you would find searches for prehistoric disasters like the Cretaceous-Paleogene Extinction Event (killed the Dinosaurs!) as well as the origin of zombies (and apparently a lot of stuff about Notre Dame...and pancakes.)

As a child my fear of catastrophes was limited to house fires and thunderstorms. I was resourceful so I demanded family fire drills once a month (touch the door knob to make sure its not hot…then run outside and wait by the mailbox until firefighters arrive…leave American Girl dolls behind) and made sure to sleep on the side of the bed closest to door in order to make a quick escape. My obsession with the end of the world obviously began with the great Y2K fiasco of 1999. In this great modern era where technology and information are happy bedfellows I have learned of a multitude of ways in which our universe could through a temper tantrum that would lead us to our untimely end…and you better believe I have made preparations far past what side of the bed I slumber on (although it is always wise to sleep nearest to the exit.)

Here’s the thing, I’m okay with dying in an apocalyptic event…as long as I have done everything in my power to try and survive it first. If mother earth is hit by a large meteor, asteroid, comet or other celestial object and despite my UV sunglasses, Captain America shield, and duct tap…I still go up in smoke with the rest of the planet…I’ll be cool with that. I did by damndest. But so help me if the polar ice caps melt and I drown because I didn’t make room in my cabinet for a raft. So I present to you my friends A Beginners Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse in the hopes that when our darkest hour approaches we remembered to put a flashlight in the downstairs bathroom and see each other on the other side. I left out the obvious stuff like food, blankets, firewood, copies of the most important contributions to literature (Harry Potter) because if you don’t know that already I can’t help you and you probably wouldn’t last very long anyways.

Zombie Apocalypse

Lets get one thing straight: Zombies are gross. And like all gross things such as cockroaches and vicious rumors, zombies are darn hard to kill. My extensive research has revealed that the only way to kill a zombie is by destroying its brain. In the event of a Zombie apocalypse, most likely caused by a mutant strain of vegetable ingested by the “health conscious” of our society (I made that up), you will want to have a crow bar, gasoline, matches, and if you’re crafty…an Egyptian obelisk. The crow bar is for one on one combat with a zombie, you simply need to get a height advantage over the grody creep and greet its decaying skull with the swift fury of your L-shaped iron sword. If you are confronted with a mob of the undead, fear not for the benefit of a zombie apocalypse is that zombies are notoriously stupid and slow (don’t get cocky and start calling it a Stupid-pocalypse…the cocky ones are always the first to go.) Cover those lolly-gaggers in petrol and light ‘em up. The heat of your homemade inferno will melt their brain thus rendering them harmless…though I imagine it will cause one hell of a stink. Egyptian obelisks are said to have mystical properties that ward off the living dead so if you have the where-with-all to acquire one you might not even know a Zombie Apocalypse has struck.

Yellowstone Super Volcano

Since 2008 geologists at Yellowstone National Park have been closely monitoring the rise and fall of the Yellowstone Plateau. These geo-nerds discovered that from 2004 to 2008 the floor of this plateau had risen 8 inches. Why you ask? For beneath the scenic tranquility of our beloved national park lurks…a SUPERVOLCANO! Yellowstone has erupted three times in the past 2.1 million years, the most recent occurrence a measly 640,000 years ago! And all five supervolcano documentaries I have watched agree that Yellowstone will blow again. So how does one prepare for an explosion 2,500 times greater than the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens? First, be aware of the blast zone…if you live west of the Mississippi you’re dunzo. Everybody else collect the following: goggles, shovel, more gasoline, twinkies. The goggles are to protect your eyes from the sulfuric rain that will fall as a result of the enormous ash cloud that will blanket earth. The shovel is to dig your way through the tons of ash that will fall as result of aforementioned ash cloud. Lots o’ stuff falling from the sky in this apocalypse. Oh, almost forgot the twinkies. First they taste good. Second they have an incredibly long shelf life so if you get “ashed” in you should be okay for at least a thousand years…depending on if you go to Costco or not. Your call.

Asteroid Apocalypse

Apparently there’s no way to escape an apocalyptic asteroid. The top nerds at NASA (and my brother) tell me that as of right now no technology exists that could prevent an asteroid from colliding with Earth once its trajectory is set…which it will be…like billions of light years ago. Not even Bruce Willis, a nuclear bomb, and a kick ass soundtrack could help us. I suggest buying a seat on those moon rockets by Virgin Galactic in the hopes that they’re ready to go in time…and then try really hard not to turn into those fatties from Wall-E. However if you don’t have the spare $100 million lying around (the going rate I am told by my sources at Space Booking) grab a 6 pack of Shock Top End of the World (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!), gather ye loved ones and throw our beloved planet a going away party for the ages (see my next guide There's So Much Left To Do: Party Planning for the Apocalypse)

Time Travel Paradox

If you are reading this blog and considering traveling back in time please take a moment to seriously consider the ramifications of altering the space-time continuum. If you are the Doctor, I live in Carbondale, please come pick me up. If you do not understand that reference than there is a part of me that you will never truly know. 

If the end of the world is truly upon us I say bring it on. We’re not dinosaurs.

Put On Your Lazy Shirts

Waltz of the Insomnia Blues

What I do When I Can't Fall Asleep...

(because I am scared)

Firstly, and most rationally, I check that my door is locked and the latches on my windows are shut. Then I grab my car keys and put them on the window ledge next to my bed in case I need to make a quick get away. I settle myself into my ring of strategically placed protective pillows and begin the Waltz of the Insomnia Blues. And it goes a little somethin' like this:

1. Tweet (@superjoanie23)

You may notice that if I tweet late at night its usually in rapid succession and focused around something I find comforting...whether it be food, Meryl Streep, or my grand plans to "work out" in the morning. This form of tweeting is the electronic version of somebody trying not to psyche themselves out.

2. Blog (doy)

Guess what I'm doing right now?!

3. Try to figure out the background music used in trailers that I like

Two of my proudest discoveries were "PM's Love Theme" from Love Actually which was used in the UK trailer for The Young Victoria and "Quest for Glory" by Q-Factory featured in the second trailer for The Lorax. Currently I am trying to figure out what the music is at the end of the trailer for Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. It's a real doozy

4. Double check that I know the proper way to use "its" and "it's"

For your information "its"is the possessive pronoun and "it's" is the contraction for "it is." I'm going to have to spell check this blog post real good or I will look like a class A jerk!

5. Attempt to read A Confederacy of Dunces for the millionth time.

A book I feel like I should really enjoy but have never been able to read past chaptero uno. I have 3 copies of it. One I bought at the Borders Going Out of Business Sale, one I "inherited" from the Massachusetts Public Library system and one I downloaded onto my e-reader.

6. Regret my decision to buy a NOOK

Curse myself for letting the sales person at Barnes and Noble seduce me with her song and dance routine about the magic of tablet reading...And then curse me again for convincing myself that I would just buy it now and come back tomorrow to return it. Well tomorrow's come and gone and I've saddled myself with what can only be described as an extremely expensive ongoing game of Sudoku.

7. Review my finances in an attempt to bore myself to sleep

8. Look up quotes from The Princess Diaries and try to mimic all the characters.

When The Princess Diaries first came out I was in the throes of two major life events. The first being that I was dead set on becoming an actress, a star of stage and screen, the darling of Hollywood...the second and far more terrifying...I was a pre-teen. You can ask any of my friends or family from that time in my life and they will tell you...from the ages of 11-14 I was a complete nightmare...hell in a hand basket...God's fury unleashed on a small quadrant of the South. The Princess Diaries was the epitome of everything I wanted when I was 12 years old which was of course to be an actress in a successful Disney movie as well as the long lost heir to an obscure European throne. About an hour after seeing TPD I had a complete melt down at my kitchen table, crying inconsolably that life was so unfair. And here I am 10 years later dreaming the same dreams.

9. Make lists:

Stupid Movies (that I also own on DVD because I love them) with Great Trailers 

Pearl Harbor (Original Teaser Trailer)

Legend of the Guardians

Transformers 2: Dark of the Moon

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (The Teaser)

Planet of the Apes: Rise of the Apes

Top 5 Favorite Foods Listed A-E

      A. Publix Subs

      B. Popcorn and M&Ms

      C. Spongebob Macaroni and Cheese

      D. Spinach and Artichoke Dip from Houlihans

      E. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

Some Reasons Why NASA Should Hire Me

      1. Public Relations. Sometimes you gotta help the space nerds out!

      2. I am very familiar with the intricacies of manned space flight due to sheer number of times I have seen the movies Armageddon, Apollo 13, and The Right Stuff.

      3. Have created 5 Phase Plan (over a 3 year time interval) to reinvigorate our nations youth with the passion for space travel. Complete with slogan for commercials, swag, and twitter trends. #InspiringTomorrowsAstronautsTodayWithTheHeroesOfYesterday

10. Try to decide how to introduce my future children to Harry Potter

Option 1) In utero. 

Option 2) On his (I say his because I plan on only having sons! Just kidding…sort of.) 10^th birthday give him my original Sorcerer’s Stone. On the inside cover (underneath "Property of Joanie Degnan Fisher" and my autograph) I will inscribe " Son, ALWAYS remember...with great power comes great responsibility." This serves a two-fold purpose. First it shows my son that I am entrusting him with his own Harry Potter education, thus instilling in him at a young age a sense of purpose and duty. Second, when he is older and has finished his own journey with Harry Potter, he will see that just as Severus Snape always loved Lily, I will always love him...even when he marries a woman I deem not good enough.

Option 3) Give him Sorcerer's Stone on his 10^th birthday but DONT trust him to be able to capture the magic of Harry Potter on his own. Which of course means I will release the Harry Potter books to him on the time frame that I read them. (He gets 1,2 and 3 right away...then has to wait for 4,5,6, and 7 the appropriate amount of agonizing years...I will be hosting midnight release parties).

However two things are ABSOLUTELY certain. One, no child of mine will see any Harry Potter movie until they have read at least books 1-4 so as to develop untainted character/story visualization and understanding. And two...you should pity my sons.

11. Listen to my “flying” playlist

This is a playlist I developed sophomore year in an attempt to control my dreams. The working hypothesis is that if I think hard enough about flying before I go to sleep that I will be able to get myself to fly in my dreams. I have never had a better dream than a dream in which I am flying. I recently had a dream that I got to sit in the royal box at the Olympic Closing ceremonies...wearing 2 gold medals and a shiny diamond ring and STILL my flying dreams kick my decorated athlete-royally engaged to be married-dream's ass. I have yet to perfect the science of sleep flying but if you are interested in joining my study please contact me and I will provide you with the "flying" playlist as well as meditation guidelines.

12. Watch the Friends Gag Reel (1994-2004) on YouTube and pretend I’m one of the gang.

13. Battle with my conscience over the amount of guilt I should feel for enjoying the movie version of the DaVinci Code.

14. Due to moral battle throw up a quick "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep"
...and a "Hail Mary" and "Glory Be" and a couple decades of the rosary just to safe.

15.Watch the Extended Cut version of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

This is the only movie I have on my iPhone and BOY does it take up a lot of memory. I usually fall asleep halfway through…not because I don’t love this 263 minute ode to Tolkien's Middle-Earth...but because by this time the waltz is ending, the band is tired, the sun has begun to rise and it is once again safe for me to sleep.

The Art of Microwaving

I have no talents in the kitchen and I never intend to develop them. My tastes are simple and best equated to a 5 year old. I like noodles with butter and any cereal that doesn't start with Kashi. I think water is boring and vegetables are gross. I hate grocery shopping because its cold everywhere and I'm always afraid that I'm going to knock something over with those stupid squeaky carts. The few times I have tried cooking since living on my own have been nothing short of disastrous. I blew a baked macaroni and cheese recipe because I confused the "T" and "t" of tablespoon and teaspoon which is an issue when referring to mustard allocation. I should have doubted the sanity of a mac n' cheese recipe calling for mustard but who am I to question a website charading as foodnetwork.com? Those creative bitches on Pinterest make it seem easy to make a S'mores casserole. Here's a warning...marshmallow fluff has a 2 minute burn time in the broiler. Pasta Carbonara? People joke about it being the "breakfast pasta"...mine was scrambled eggs with some angel hair mixed in. But of all my cooking failures lasagna...lasagna was my piéce de résistance.

Not only is lasagna a hard word to sound out and spell phonetically it's also a real doozy to make. With out a doubt the worst part about lasagna is the noodles. First of all its impossible to strain them with out ruining their weird flat/wavy (flavy) form. And then when you try to pick them up they're slippery and disgusting but also burning-lava-hot. To be fair my mom told me to get the noodles that you don't have to boil...but I couldn't "find" them.  The second worst part about lasagna is making the meat sauce. there is nothing more gross-dacious than raw ground beef. I'm no vegetarian but I like to pretend my animal products grow on trees and are born fully cooked. Again a problem easily avoided by purchasing pre-meated sauce but I can only last 5 minutes in a grocery store before succumbing to grocery-psychosis...a condition where one thinks one is a gourmet chef for brief intervals and for the longer intervals buys every kind of battery "just in case."I even managed to ruin the only good part of my lasagna experience. I L-O-V-E cheese so every time I got stressed out by the lava noodles or the nuances of cooking ground beef in a tiny skillet I would pick at the package of shredded mozzarella...which meant I ran out of cheese. And as all cheese enthusiasts know ricotta is no substitute for the mozz. After 3 attempts at covering the pan with tinfoil I gave up, shoved my wavy noodle mess into the oven and set the timer (by timer I of course mean...started an episode of Mythbusters because the cook time on lasagna is conveniently equal to the length of the episode where they try to prove that you can slingshot a human being across the American/Canadian border). Roughly 46 minutes had passed, the myth had been busted (bummer) and I couldn't wait to dig into my lasagna. Unfortunately the oven was not on. In a stressful moment when the noodles had been boiling over I forgot to hit the bake button which meant the oven had been in a holding pattern. I cursed my lasagna wishing upon it an unfulfilled life with no lasagna babies and told my oven it was grounded and only to be used for break and bake cookies for the rest of its life.

What have I learned from these experiences...cooking is exhausting and everything I like can be made in under 6 minutes with a microwave, toaster, or a cell phone.

Things you can make in a microwave:

1. Oatmeal

2. Easy Mac

3. Lean Cuisines/Hot Pockets

4. Popcorn and M&Ms

5. Bagel Bites

Things you can make in the toaster:

1. Bagels

2. English Muffins

3. Toast

4. Pop Tarts

5. Eggo Waffles

Things you can make with a cell phone:

1. Papa Johns

2. Dominos

3. Jimmy Johns

4. Chinese Take Out

5. Anything you can force your friends to go get for you

To err is human, to forgive, divine. To microwave, genius.

-Alexander Pope

Old iPhone Notes

I was looking through the “Notes” section of my iPhone today on the hunt for an easy laugh. Now don't get me wrong, the notes section of my iPhone is FULL of important information from passwords, to words of wisdom from friends, and a plethora of airline confirmation numbers. But like all humans, I am not perfect. Sometimes I leave really dumb notes for myself. For example I have a note from November 3 2011 that just says “Air Supply.” This note could be one of two things, either I was reminding myself to check out the band Air Supply OR I had just watched the scene in Space Balls where the giant robot spaceship maid vacuums up all the air from the planet Druidia and I was concerned that something similar could happen to Earth…hence “Air Supply" as in "you should appreciate the air supply you have on your planet because it could be sucked up at any moment by the evil Dark Helmet."

I recently stumbled across a note labeled “My Greatest Fears” (please see photo on the right).

I would like to point out that these are all very valid fears and that I made this list in the early afternoon. 1 PM is my most rational hour of the day. Also since the writing of this note in February...my car has been towed. 

My Southwest Rapid Rewards Number makes an impressive five appearances in my iPhone notes, most intriguing of which is at the end of a list entitled "Vitamins"where I listed all the places I could get B1. For those of you wondering you can get your daily dose of B1 from eggs, oatmeal, brown rice, cauliflower or my Rapid Rewards Number.

I've noticed a trend on my To-Do lists where I constantly ponder whether or not to purchase a George Foreman Grill...

Target Trip:

Shower curtains

chicken

George Foreman?

For the record I still do not own a Foreman Grill...and I still don't know if I should get one.

I made a list of movies with really good clean-up scenes...The Cat in the Hat, Smart House, Space Jam, The Wizard of Oz, and Mary Poppins (duh). On May 5th I had an idea for a restaurant where all the food is named after "literary characters! or stories or whatever!!!!!" I was very excited about this idea. Here's an example of what the Brunch menu would look like (because who doesn't L-O-V-E brunch?)

Peter Pancakes

Green Eggs and Ham (had to have it)

Don Quixote Omelette (Spanish Omelette)

Farenheit 451 (a really spicy breakfast skillet)

The Elizabeth Benett Special (bottomless mimosas)

The menu needs some work. Also I need a name for the restaurant...but the passion is there.

I have a note from January 14th which simply says "No Ice Machine." Life's little challenges. 10 days later I wrote a note to my soulmate in the wee hours of the morn (plz see below).

I also have notes that, on the surface, make absolutely no sense.

“Should probz switch to wate

You are a terrible

Lou hilts poem"

This note is absolutely the drunken product of a night out on the town. Thus “Should probz switch to wate” means “I should probably switch to water.” Why I was writing myself that note as opposed to doing it, I cannot tell you. But I CAN tell you that I probz did not switch to wate. Which leads to the next part of the note “You are a terrible.” A terrible what?! Person, drinker, dancer, speller, all of the above?! Whatever it was…I hope it is no longer true. The final part of the note is the best part though. When I went back days later and read this I had no idea who Lou Hilts was/is or what poem I could possibly have been referring too. So being the iPhone sleuth that I am I googled “Lou hilts poem.” Google did not find anything about Lou Hilts but the G-bot (Google Robot) did ask “Did you mean Lou Holtz poem?” No I did not! But I also did not know Lou Holtz wrote poetry, so I decided to check it out. Championship coach, endearing ESPN commentator, Academy Award winning cameo in The Blind Side AND he writes poetry, is there anything that this man doesn’t do? Well as it turns out he does not write poetry. The Google search lead me to a short letter Lou wrote to a woman named Linda Ellis who is the author of a poem called “The Dash”:

Dear Linda,

I can’t honestly tell you how this poem “The Dash” has affected my life, but hopefully it affected other people when I used it. I’d always tried to make every day count and not count the days, and hopefully I’ve been a good example for other people to follow. However, that’s not for me to evaluate, but God will some day. Thank you agin.

Sincerely,

Lou Holtz

Any poem that gets that kind of review from Coach Holtz has my interest. I went back to my trusty Google and looked up the text of the poem. I don’t want to post the whole thing here because I’m afraid it might be some sort of internet fraud or plagiarism but when you get a chance I suggest you do a little googling yourself...you won't regret it. My blog sends you on adventures!

The final note I would like to share with you is from February 29 2011

"Be young be foolish but be happy...The Tams"

YouTube it.

Fun Facts

My YouTube account is British. It filters through a “co.uk” because I made it when I studied abroad in London

I do not have a favorite color. But right now I am really into classic yellow.

The first time I read Harry Potter I returned it to the library after reading the first chapter.

At one point I didn’t really need glasses. I just really wanted them so I faked that I couldn’t read the letters in an eye exam. Now I really do need them. In fact I can’t find them right now so I made the font bigger while I typed this so I could read what I was writing better.

If I ever get any pets (which I won’t) they will be called George, Richard, and Imogen.

The time I felt most cheated in my life was in 6th grade when I didn't win my school's Oratorical Contest. My speech on Dorothy Day made a teacher cry! I got beat by a kid who had to be prompted twice! I was ROBBED. And no, I'm not "over" it.

Imogen is also what I will call my daughter if I marry a foreigner. Her nick-name can be Jeanie until she is confident enough to go by Imogen full time.

One of my favorite movie lines ever is from the disaster movie 2012 starring John Cusack. It’s from the end of the movie when the survivors of nature’s apocalyptic fury are trying to ride out the rising oceans in a giant iron ark/submarine. They are nearly home free when something pops up on the radar! Cue line “29,000 feet? What the hell is at 29,000 feet?!” Answer: Mount Everest! It’s an awesome scene. Also, sorry if I ruined that movie for you but its been out for like 3 years so you should have seen it already.

I'm really jealous that C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien were friends without me because I think I would have fit in with their group really well. I have an affinity for the fantastic and my name also sounds good as initials (J.D. Fisher...screw you Salinger).

My favorite Keanu Reeves movie is Constantine. My favorite Keanu Reeves quote is from The Replacements (Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.) I don't like The Matrix movies.

When Can I Sit At The Big Kid Table: An Elementary School Fairytale

Here is a sneak peak at the very incomplete story of my childhood that I hope to one day publish before E-readers take over and it is too late to see it on a bookshelf.

Prologue

           The first thing I ever learned was not to touch a hot stove. I was four and my mom had specifically told me NOT to touch the burning hot spiral of iron from which she had just removed a pot of classic Kraft Mac n’ Cheese. We can take three things away from this short fable. One, it took me a very long time to finally learn something. Two, mom is always right. And three, if someone tells you NOT to do something you’re definitely going to do it.

            Let’s start with my delayed “first lesson." I have to conclude that since it took me four years of life before I finally learned something, that until I defiantly touched that stove, I had been leading a perfect existence. You generally only learn something because you’ve done something else wrong. So for 48 months I did everything right, I was killin’ it. I guess you could count learning how to walk and talk but I don’t remember “learning” those lessons. Walking and talking are something babies inevitably adapt into doing because their parents aren’t bringing them food fast enough. Think about it, toddlers are always climbing around trying to get into the fridge or the cookie jar (if those are still a thing) and I’m pretty sure a baby chooses to say either “mama” or “dada” first based on which parent provides them with the most treats. My first word was “bagpipe” which clearly means every time I was eating as an infant bagpipes were either a heavy topic of conversation and/or being played.

            At the wise old age of 22 I can now confidently and humbly recognize that mom is always right. I can’t speak for every mother I suppose but MY mom, supermom of five children of varying levels of delinquency, was and is always right. She was right when she told me at the age of 9 that I would not like the movie Titanic. Mom hit that one dead on the head. In my youth I was a Titanic fanatic. I’m talking saw the IMAX movie, Titanic: Ghost of the Abyss 5 times (which is two more times than I saw Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring). As a little girl I was obsessed with the American Girl dolls and when I visited Chicago for the first time my mom took me to The American Girl Place but then surprised me after with a visit to the Titanic Exhibit at The Chicago Museum of Natural History…I left my doll at the coat check. To paint a not so subtle picture for you, I was essentially the youngest foremost authority on the tragic history of that ill-fated ship. So being the dedicated historian that I was, I insisted to my mother that I, unlike my silly compatriots, wanted to see the movie for purely educational purposes. Needless to say I was disgusted with how little attention was given to the architectural miracle that the grand staircase was and appalled at the flagrant sex between unmarried teens. At a very young age I developed skyscraper levels of morality. It wasn’t until I watched the movie again when I was 14, when turbulent hormones and the never ending roller coaster of teenage emotions had firmly taken hold of my psyche, that I truly appreciated the sweeping cinematic masterpiece of James Cameron’s Titanic. Mother was also correct when she told me that I was not going to die, pass out, or acquire a pH imbalance when I sliced my finger cutting a lemon. To this day the only time my mom has been wrong is when it concerns traffic, and to be fair to her she can't really control that...yet.

            Finally, to plagiarize me some Jane Austen, it is a truth universally acknowledged that any parent (or person) telling a child (literal or metaphorical) not to do something must be prepared to have aforementioned advice thrown back into their faces, verily. We, the human race, are naturally curious. Curiosity may have killed the cat and it may have killed a fair share of our brethren but its also led peoplekind (all inclusive) to many an amazing discovery. I bet you a lifetime supply of chocolate that Lewis and Clark set out on their adventurous journey Westward because Lewis’ boring cousin Bernard (50/50 chance that was his name) said “Don’t do that! You’ll get lost!” Um no they won’t Bernard they’ll be brave and a little bit stupid but they’ll Sacagawea and forge a trail all the way to the Pacific Ocean. If Lewis and Clark hadn’t braved that uncharted territory all those years ago, the Wild West may never have been tamed. And then where would we have put Las Vegas? Would technology as we know it even exist if those nerds at Mircosoft, Apple and Facebook didn’t have Silicon Valley to fiddle away in? And I think we can all agree that surfing on the East Coast just ain’t like surfing on the West Coast (Is that right? I don’t know. I don’t surf.) What I’m trying to say here is, by touching that stove in my youth I was really expressing my innate sense of curiosity and independence. It was there, in that kitchen on the outskirts of Atlanta, that my own great journey undoubtedly started. I imagine the story of my life could only commence in this way,

“A flash of white hot pain and misery rushed up the tiny, yet powerful hand of the four year old, who thought she was closer to twenty-seven then to five, as she defiantly touched the burning metal of the kitchen stove. “OUCH!” the dark haired miscreant screamed, indignant that a mechanism which created such joy in the form of Mom’s Mac n’ Cheese could also bring such anguish. Heroically whimpering, the little girl, who did not like to be called “little,” slumped to the floor, waiting to be found by a sympathetic parent. And so the adventure began.”

A Retrospective: 10 Reflections, 12 Months Later

Here is the ONLY thing I was thinking the Monday morning after I graduated as my parents dragged me (crying my eyes out, wearing my gross clothes from the night before) into our Suburban:

MY LIFE IS OVER.

It's been one year and though it's been no cake walk, life ain't over. Here are some of the things I've learned in the past 12 months:

1. The day will come when you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT drink like you did in college.

But you will. And you will pay for it. You'll say that oft repeated phrase from undergrad "I am NEVER drinking again" and this time you'll really mean it. Like REALLY really. It will most likely happen because you are reunited with your friends from the glory days so even though you might be puking your face off the next morning...it will be totally worth it. And because it was worth it...you will do it again.

2. You're going to have to make an effort to get fresh air.

In college you took for granted how important fresh air was and how easy it was to get it. You don't get those beautiful "Camp Notre Dame" days off anymore. You have to sit in your office and look out the window (if you have one) with the knowledge that this is the perfect weather to fly a kite. You might even forget how much you enjoy being outside, you'll come home from work exhausted and just flop down in front of the TV. But one day you're favorite song will come on, you'll roll down the windows and you'll remember what a hero that fresh air is. And you'll find ways to get back outside. 

3. There are good times and dumb times to go through Facebook albums.

As mentioned in previous posts, Facebook is a $16 billion sucker of time. And once you have graduated it can do some real damage to your psyche. You'll find yourself nostalgic for that party you and your roommates had junior year and the next thing you know you're crying and looking at pictures from Domerfest (oh yeah those pictures exist). Here are dumb times to look at old pictures on Facebook: on the anniversary of anything significant or when you hear your neighbors having a party you weren't invited to. Here are good times: when looking for an embarrassing picture of your friend to make your profile picture on their birthday or when you have a bad day at work and need to remind yourself that there's more to life than Excel. 

4. Set goalz for the future.

Serious goals and fun goals. Think about where you want to be and how you want to get there. Whether it be in your career or your next reunion with friends. Give yourself something to work for.

5. Thunderstorms are scarier.

I can't explain it. But its true.

6. Text/Write/Call your friends. Maybe?

I don't want to fall into the category that those boring analyst types keep threatening to put me in. That despite all the communication technology surrounding us (the youths) we are becoming more desocialized. Don't wait to learn about your friends lives from Facebook. If you do learn something exciting from the ol' Book don't just "like" it, communicate about it.

7. Get a Credit Card...but BEWARE.

Credit cards are awesome...until you get the bill. You might even tell yourself that you're just going to use it for gas and "emergencies." Pretty soon "emergencies" will become defined as "its Fall, I need boots" or "I can get the entire Star Wars series as a box set, how convenient!" And then next thing you know you're hiding your credit card from yourself when you're drunk and forgetting where it is when you need to get gas. So then you apply for another one.

8. Don't buy the first couch you see.

Take the time to truly evaluate your options when buying your first couch. Don't be lazy like I wanted to be. If I'd done that I'd still be in the hole for a $2,500 khaki couch from Pottery Barn. Instead, I got a bitchin' red one from the Furniture King...accented with zebra pillows from Amazon. This is a metaphor

9. Ask for Help.

At work, if you're confused about something, ask for help. No one will think your stupid. If you're trying to meet new people in a new city, ask for help. No one will think you're creepy. Investing in a new TV from Best Buy and want a discount, ask for help. No one will think you're cheap. If you're having a hard go of it, ask for help. No one will think you're weak.

10. What to do on your dumpiest, pitty-est, shitty-est of days.

Remember what JRR Tolkien said "Not all those who wander are lost." And then...do the Macarena. 

My Really REALLY Lists

Things I really REALLY hate

1. People who say they've seen all the Harry Potter movies but have never read the books

2. When my candy gets stuck in the vending machine and I cant shake it free and I don't have any more change

3. Places that don't take credit cards

4. People who sincerely consider themselves hipsters

5. Celebrities who weigh less than me even when they're 9 months pregnant

6.Pity Laughs

7. When my double chin makes a surprise appearance in a picture I thought was super cute

8. People calling LaFortune "LaFun"

9. Being politically corrected

10. Those "running shoes" that look like feet

Things I really REALLY love

1. When I hear from a third party that someone thinks I'm funny

2. Any baseball game (t-ball, minor, major)

3. Football Saturdays

4. Family dinners

5. Fountain soda

6. Wikipedia

7. Ice Cream Sanwiches

8. Disaster movies

9. When little kids say words wrong

10. Endings where people die and go to heaven and the people they love are waiting for them (i.e. Titanic, Lost series finale, Braveheart, Gladiator)

Things I really REALLY want to happen

1. Tweet at Steve Martin and get a response

2. Notre Dame to win a National Championship in the next 5 years

3. Master a convincing Australian accent

4. To get some sort of tangible revenge against my nemeses

5. A legitimate colony to be established on the Moon

6. For travel to one day be EXACTLY like it is on The Jetsons

7. George Lucas to make the mythological third Star Wars trilogy

8. For the 2020 Olympics to be somewhere in America

9. Win the maximum amount of money on a scratch lottery ticket

10. For the last 3 seasons of Lost to have gone differently

An Epiphany (February 2k10)

My first published work

An epiphany - Viewpoint - The Observer - University of Notre Dame and Saint Mary's College

First Dayz and Playgroundz

I'm a Little Bud Girl and I suffer from X-treme social anxiety (ESA...not yet recognized by any board of medical professionals.) What is extreme social anxiety you ask? Well according to Wikipedia (an online encylopedia filled with a-wicked-lot of information) social anxiety is defined as anxiety about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated and scrutinized by other people. X-treme social anxiety is that...plus the X-treme. Most people are shocked, I dare say even blown out of the metaphorical and literal water, when I tell them about my ESA...reference following conversation*

"Little Bud Girl!" They exclaim. "I am so surprised at this revelation that I have literally rocketed out of my inner tube and on to the beach (from the body of water where I had previously been floating)! You who are so charismatic and charming and funny and self-aware, you could not possibly suffer from x-treme social anxiety!"
"Oh dear, naive, and beloved friend(s)" I respond as I boogy board gracefully back to them on the beach "How could you know? When I am such a marvelous actress I should propbably have received a Daytime Emmy."

*fictional conversation occured while floating in ocean to demonstrate shock most people endure when my ESA is reveal to them

Fortunately for me ESA only rears its ugly head when I am in a "First Day Scenario." An FSD is classified as a situation in which feel like I did on the first day of 4th grade.

When I was 9 years old I switched from going to New Prospect (the local public school) where I had gone since Kindergarten to St. Jude's (a catholic elemntary school). Until that time my world was confined to my neighborhood cul-de-sac. I had known all my friends since I was 3 and had never known a single day without friendship. When my parents told me I was switching schools I was excited at first...we got to wear uniforms that looked like the outfits my American Girl doll wore...and I also assumed that if I was switching schools my cul-de-sac clique would be coming with me. That summer I didn't even think about my new school. This is for two reasons...1) my mom distracted me with the birth of my youngest sister Lizzie (who I was allowed to take on walks in the stroller until my mom found out that instead of "walking" I was roller-blading while pushing my infant sister in front of me...at what I can only assume was a break neck pace otherwise I don't understand what she was so upset about) and 2) the fort my comrades and I were building out of sticks, duct tape, and imagination at the creek was an all consuming metal and physical activity. It wasn't until we were driving to St. Jude that very first morning that it actually hit me...I didn't have any friends at St. Jude. Who was I going to play with on the playground?

My body went into all out panic, my palms started to sweat, my heart started racing, and my mind was whirling with the same question, "who was I going to play with?" I wanted to start crying immediately but I couldn't...I didn't want to show my parents or my brother and sisters that I was scared. I was the oldest! I was 9 years old, I was a big kid and I was brave! But oh my god did I not feel brave. I don't actually remember that first day on the playground...I know I faked sick for 3 days after because I hated it so much. It wasn't that the kids were mean...in fact some of the best people I know I met when I was at St. Jude...I just missed having a friend on the playground. And when you're a little kid there is nothing more important then a friend on the playground. I of course made friends the second I actually started attending school...helped by the fact that I used my new baby sister to lure in the girls from my grade on the play ground at morning recess. But when I talk about a "First Day Scenario" that's what I'm talking about...that stomach twisting, heart wrenching feeling of not knowing who you're going to play with on the playground.

I've been the "new kid" twice in my life...in 4th grade at St. Jude and then again in 10th grade when my family moved from Atlanta to Boston. Being the new kid is really hard and worse...really scary. When I was growing up we had family meetings every Sunday night. The most important family meetings were ones that occured before the first day of school. Me and my siblings all had to come up with 4 goals for the school year and if we all were able to check them off we got to go to Disney World (this was literally the reward until I was 17...so we went to Disney World ALOT...and I am not complaining)! The goals we're always something like...play on the soccer team, get all good comments from my teachers on my report card, stop sucking at math (in so many words). Along with our own personal goals my dad always gave us one final task...be friends with the new kid. There is no better friend to a new kid then a veteran new kid. A VNK knows better than anyone else how that new kid feels on that first day...and knows exactly what they need. A friend on the playground.

Things I classify as an FDS

• first day at new ANY new job (tennis coach, breakfast sandwhich and coffee maker extrodinaire, receptionist, young urban professional, etc.)


• first day at camp (drama, tennis, ymca)


• first day of 4th grade (duh!)


• first day of 10th grade


• first day of Freshman Orientation @ Notre Dame


• every single first day of class at Notre Dame in which I did not already know I had a buddy


• first time a crush speaks to me and/or attends a party of mine and/or legitimately thinks I'm funny


• skiing down anything that is not a "green square"


• first 5 days of the London Undergraduate Program


• all Studentdealz events

Symptoms that accompany FDS as caused by ESA

• sweaty palms


• alarmingly fast heartbeat


• shaky knees


• nail biting


• cold sweats


• flushed cheeks


• irrational laughter...often at my own pronouncements

The reason why people are so befuddled by my ESA is because I am really good at faking it. The more nervous I get the more I talk. The more I talk the less I can hear my own thoughts. The less I can hear my own thoughts the less I can psyche myself out. I don't think I shut-up for 2 minutes for all of Frosh-O...I got so hyped up talking about domerfest I'm surprised I actually made any friends at all.

As the years have progressed my ESA has gotten significantly less severe. I still think wacky thoughts and have hot flashes. I still cry when I get too anxious. And on bad days I do still feel like the new kid at St. Jude. What I've come to realize is (hold on tight it's about to get gooey and dramatic) everyone feels like the new kid, everyone suffers from their own personal form of ESA but most importantly everyone just wants a friend to play with on the playground. So if you need me, I will be that friend.

Lights, Camera, Action!

5 People I Would Like To Meet Before I Go to Heaven

1) The Guy Who Invented Megavideo

To confirm that Megavideo is in fact a legitimate website that posts pirated recordings of my favorite TV shows...thus allowing me to confidently pay the $12.99 a month to watch unlimited videos and not be cut off at the 72 minute mark.

2) Mary Kate & Ashley

To request that they make one more movie together before they turn 30 (when being teeny tiny identical twins loses its charm) called Back To The Drawing Board. A story of two fueding sisters who happen to be members of warring secret spy agencies who have to work together to save America when aforementioned spy agencies come under attack from "foreign foes"...with cameo appearances of Nicolas Cage and myself.

3)Kate Middleton

Initially our first meeting will be to compare hair styling techniques. Since I will naturally win her friendship with my American humor (which translates to all nations and principalities) and middle class charm, reunions at birthdays, baptisms (where I shall be present as god mother) and holidays will be frequent...and expected.

4)A Master of Japanese Anime

To ask the following questions....Why do Anime people always have eccentric hair styles? How come when they cry it looks like their sweating from their temples? How come when they laugh it looks like they're crying? Are there any Anime musicals in the works? What happened to the show Sailor Moon, is it still on TV? Where does Pokemon stand in the Anime Universe? Did you like the movie Up!, what about Toy Story 3 ?

5) J.K. Rowling

Duh.

12 Rezolutionz for a 2k12 Revolution

Usually my list of New Years resolutions turns into a list of things I didn't do in the year 20failure (I didn't make New Years Resolutions til 1999...which is when I believe the concept was invented...to calm Y2k hysteria). I am a person who is driven many times by command and guilt. So in order to ensure that by ths time next year I am 12 bullet points better than I am today I am posting them here to my blog for all the world to see (I think very highly of my blog). This is a violent metaphorical gun threat from present me to future me saying "you REALLY don't want to come back to this blog in a year and read a list of all the things you could have done." Regret is a medicine more bitter and disgusting that Robitussin...with none of the decongestant properties. I'm sendin' my bad habits the way of the Dodo (extinct) and canonballin' into the year 2012 (makin' a splash).

1. Stop biting my nails
As noted in previous post...I bite my nails...it's gross...I must rid myself of this atrocious habit.
2. Stop drinking diet colas
The first step in addiction is admiting you have a problem. I have a problem. By 2k13 I will no longer be diet soda dependent
3. Learn how to play one AWESOME song on the piano
This list includes (but is not limited to) learning how to play: Amazing Grace, Auld Lang Syne, Mozart's Moonlight Sonata, Sunday Morning, Hey Jude, How to Save a Life, and Gold Digger by Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx.
4. Touch my toes
I'm really inflexible.
5. Overcome fear of dogs
Will require many viewings of Air Bud and Marley and Me
6. Run a half marathon
I have threatened to run a half marathon twice since the start of 2k11 and failed both times. 3rd times the charm.
7. Go to Ireland
To see the motherland. To see the Irish play Navy (and win?) To make up for being a doofus and not going when I studied abroad in London (and so I dont have to lie to people anymore about why I've never been...it wasn't the Icelandic Volcano's fault).
8. Go on a date
In case someone wants to turn my blog into a rom-com...you're welcome Hollywood
9. Improve Spanish language skillz
Because it would be hypocritical of me to force my children to be tri-lingual if I'm only...lingual
10. Finish 3 short stories and submit to something or someone
I have tons of stories floating 'round my physical and mental universe but I have been too lazy to do anything with them. My imagination has been good to me, it is time for me to be good to my imagination.
11. Save money for a rainy day
Because one day I want to go back to England and I'm gonna need money to buy an umbrella.
12. Blog once a week
For the benefit of my loyal readers

Here's to hoping this "catholic guilt" thing is real.
Happy New Year!