I have one doozy of a fascination with one of my deepest
fears: apocalyptic disasters. You know what they say…keep your friends close
and your enemies closer…and unpredictable nature is definitely my foe. I have watched every
documentary on Netflix concerning the predictions of Nostradamus, the Mayans
and former Vice President Al Gore. I know more about volcanoes, tornadoes,
blizzards and solar storms than your average 23 year old probably should. If
you checked my Google/Wikipedia history you would find searches for prehistoric
disasters like the Cretaceous-Paleogene Extinction Event (killed the
Dinosaurs!) as well as the origin of zombies (and apparently a lot of stuff about Notre Dame...and pancakes.)
As a child my fear of
catastrophes was limited to house fires and thunderstorms. I was resourceful so
I demanded family fire drills once a month (touch the door knob to make sure
its not hot…then run outside and wait by the mailbox until firefighters
arrive…leave American Girl dolls behind) and made sure to sleep on the side of
the bed closest to door in order to make a quick escape. My obsession with the
end of the world obviously began with the great Y2K fiasco of 1999. In this
great modern era where technology and information are happy bedfellows I have
learned of a multitude of ways in which our universe could through a temper
tantrum that would lead us to our untimely end…and you better believe I have
made preparations far past what side of the bed I slumber on (although it is
always wise to sleep nearest to the exit.)
Here’s the thing, I’m okay with dying in an apocalyptic
event…as long as I have done everything in my power to try and survive it
first. If mother earth is hit by a large meteor, asteroid, comet or other
celestial object and despite my UV sunglasses, Captain America shield, and duct
tap…I still go up in smoke with the rest of the planet…I’ll be cool with that.
I did by damndest. But so help me if the polar ice caps melt and I drown
because I didn’t make room in my cabinet for a raft. So I present to you my
friends A Beginners Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse in the hopes that when our darkest hour approaches we
remembered to put a flashlight in the downstairs bathroom and see each other on
the other side. I left out the obvious stuff like food, blankets, firewood,
copies of the most important contributions to literature (Harry Potter) because
if you don’t know that already I can’t help you and you probably wouldn’t last
very long anyways.
Zombie Apocalypse
Lets get one thing straight: Zombies are gross. And like all
gross things such as cockroaches and vicious rumors, zombies are darn hard to
kill. My extensive research has revealed that the only way to kill a zombie is
by destroying its brain. In the event of a Zombie apocalypse, most likely
caused by a mutant strain of vegetable ingested by the “health conscious” of
our society (I made that up), you will want to have a crow bar, gasoline,
matches, and if you’re crafty…an Egyptian obelisk. The crow bar is for one on
one combat with a zombie, you simply need to get a height advantage over the
grody creep and greet its decaying skull with the swift fury of your L-shaped
iron sword. If you are confronted with a mob of the undead, fear not for the
benefit of a zombie apocalypse is that zombies are notoriously stupid and slow
(don’t get cocky and start calling it a Stupid-pocalypse…the cocky ones are
always the first to go.) Cover those lolly-gaggers in petrol and light ‘em up.
The heat of your homemade inferno will melt their brain thus rendering them
harmless…though I imagine it will cause one hell of a stink. Egyptian obelisks
are said to have mystical properties that ward off the living dead so if you
have the where-with-all to acquire one you might not even know a Zombie
Apocalypse has struck.
Yellowstone Super Volcano
Since 2008 geologists at Yellowstone National Park have been
closely monitoring the rise and fall of the Yellowstone Plateau. These
geo-nerds discovered that from 2004 to 2008 the floor of this plateau had risen
8 inches. Why you ask? For beneath the scenic tranquility of our beloved
national park lurks…a SUPERVOLCANO! Yellowstone has erupted three times in the
past 2.1 million years, the most recent occurrence a measly 640,000 years ago!
And all five supervolcano documentaries I have watched agree that Yellowstone
will blow again. So how does one prepare for an explosion 2,500 times greater
than the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens? First, be aware of the blast zone…if
you live west of the Mississippi you’re dunzo. Everybody else collect the
following: goggles, shovel, more gasoline, twinkies. The goggles are to protect
your eyes from the sulfuric rain that will fall as a result of the enormous ash
cloud that will blanket earth. The shovel is to dig your way through the tons of
ash that will fall as result of aforementioned ash cloud. Lots o’ stuff falling
from the sky in this apocalypse. Oh, almost forgot the twinkies. First they
taste good. Second they have an incredibly long shelf life so if you get
“ashed” in you should be okay for at least a thousand years…depending on if you
go to Costco or not. Your call.
Asteroid Apocalypse
Apparently there’s no way to escape an apocalyptic asteroid.
The top nerds at NASA (and my brother) tell me that as of right now no
technology exists that could prevent an asteroid from colliding with Earth once
its trajectory is set…which it will be…like billions of light years ago. Not
even Bruce Willis, a nuclear bomb, and a kick ass soundtrack could help us. I
suggest buying a seat on those moon rockets by Virgin Galactic in the hopes
that they’re ready to go in time…and then try really hard not to turn into
those fatties from Wall-E. However if you don’t have the spare $100 million
lying around (the going rate I am told by my sources at Space Booking) grab a
6 pack of Shock Top End of the World (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!), gather ye loved ones and throw our beloved planet a going away party for the ages (see my
next guide There's So Much Left To Do: Party Planning for the Apocalypse)
Time Travel Paradox
If you are reading this blog and considering traveling back
in time please take a moment to seriously consider the ramifications of
altering the space-time continuum. If you are the Doctor, I live in Carbondale,
please come pick me up. If you do not understand that reference than there is a
part of me that you will never truly know.
If the end of the world is truly upon us I say bring it on. We’re
not dinosaurs.
