"Little Bud Girl!" They exclaim. "I am so surprised at this revelation that I have literally rocketed out of my inner tube and on to the beach (from the body of water where I had previously been floating)! You who are so charismatic and charming and funny and self-aware, you could not possibly suffer from x-treme social anxiety!"
"Oh dear, naive, and beloved friend(s)" I respond as I boogy board gracefully back to them on the beach "How could you know? When I am such a marvelous actress I should propbably have received a Daytime Emmy."
*fictional conversation occured while floating in ocean to demonstrate shock most people endure when my ESA is reveal to them
Fortunately for me ESA only rears its ugly head when I am in a "First Day Scenario." An FSD is classified as a situation in which feel like I did on the first day of 4th grade.
When I was 9 years old I switched from going to New Prospect (the local public school) where I had gone since Kindergarten to St. Jude's (a catholic elemntary school). Until that time my world was confined to my neighborhood cul-de-sac. I had known all my friends since I was 3 and had never known a single day without friendship. When my parents told me I was switching schools I was excited at first...we got to wear uniforms that looked like the outfits my American Girl doll wore...and I also assumed that if I was switching schools my cul-de-sac clique would be coming with me. That summer I didn't even think about my new school. This is for two reasons...1) my mom distracted me with the birth of my youngest sister Lizzie (who I was allowed to take on walks in the stroller until my mom found out that instead of "walking" I was roller-blading while pushing my infant sister in front of me...at what I can only assume was a break neck pace otherwise I don't understand what she was so upset about) and 2) the fort my comrades and I were building out of sticks, duct tape, and imagination at the creek was an all consuming metal and physical activity. It wasn't until we were driving to St. Jude that very first morning that it actually hit me...I didn't have any friends at St. Jude. Who was I going to play with on the playground?
My body went into all out panic, my palms started to sweat, my heart started racing, and my mind was whirling with the same question, "who was I going to play with?" I wanted to start crying immediately but I couldn't...I didn't want to show my parents or my brother and sisters that I was scared. I was the oldest! I was 9 years old, I was a big kid and I was brave! But oh my god did I not feel brave. I don't actually remember that first day on the playground...I know I faked sick for 3 days after because I hated it so much. It wasn't that the kids were mean...in fact some of the best people I know I met when I was at St. Jude...I just missed having a friend on the playground. And when you're a little kid there is nothing more important then a friend on the playground. I of course made friends the second I actually started attending school...helped by the fact that I used my new baby sister to lure in the girls from my grade on the play ground at morning recess. But when I talk about a "First Day Scenario" that's what I'm talking about...that stomach twisting, heart wrenching feeling of not knowing who you're going to play with on the playground.
I've been the "new kid" twice in my life...in 4th grade at St. Jude and then again in 10th grade when my family moved from Atlanta to Boston. Being the new kid is really hard and worse...really scary. When I was growing up we had family meetings every Sunday night. The most important family meetings were ones that occured before the first day of school. Me and my siblings all had to come up with 4 goals for the school year and if we all were able to check them off we got to go to Disney World (this was literally the reward until I was 17...so we went to Disney World ALOT...and I am not complaining)! The goals we're always something like...play on the soccer team, get all good comments from my teachers on my report card, stop sucking at math (in so many words). Along with our own personal goals my dad always gave us one final task...be friends with the new kid. There is no better friend to a new kid then a veteran new kid. A VNK knows better than anyone else how that new kid feels on that first day...and knows exactly what they need. A friend on the playground.
Things I classify as an FDS
- first day at new ANY new job (tennis coach, breakfast sandwhich and coffee maker extrodinaire, receptionist, young urban professional, etc.)
- first day at camp (drama, tennis, ymca)
- first day of 4th grade (duh!)
- first day of 10th grade
- first day of Freshman Orientation @ Notre Dame
- every single first day of class at Notre Dame in which I did not already know I had a buddy
- first time a crush speaks to me and/or attends a party of mine and/or legitimately thinks I'm funny
- skiing down anything that is not a "green square"
- first 5 days of the London Undergraduate Program
- all Studentdealz events
Symptoms that accompany FDS as caused by ESA
- sweaty palms
- alarmingly fast heartbeat
- shaky knees
- nail biting
- cold sweats
- flushed cheeks
- irrational laughter...often at my own pronouncements
The reason why people are so befuddled by my ESA is because I am really good at faking it. The more nervous I get the more I talk. The more I talk the less I can hear my own thoughts. The less I can hear my own thoughts the less I can psyche myself out. I don't think I shut-up for 2 minutes for all of Frosh-O...I got so hyped up talking about domerfest I'm surprised I actually made any friends at all.
As the years have progressed my ESA has gotten significantly less severe. I still think wacky thoughts and have hot flashes. I still cry when I get too anxious. And on bad days I do still feel like the new kid at St. Jude. What I've come to realize is (hold on tight it's about to get gooey and dramatic) everyone feels like the new kid, everyone suffers from their own personal form of ESA but most importantly everyone just wants a friend to play with on the playground. So if you need me, I will be that friend.
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