A Beginners Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

I have one doozy of a fascination with one of my deepest fears: apocalyptic disasters. You know what they say…keep your friends close and your enemies closer…and unpredictable nature is definitely my foe. I have watched every documentary on Netflix concerning the predictions of Nostradamus, the Mayans and former Vice President Al Gore. I know more about volcanoes, tornadoes, blizzards and solar storms than your average 23 year old probably should. If you checked my Google/Wikipedia history you would find searches for prehistoric disasters like the Cretaceous-Paleogene Extinction Event (killed the Dinosaurs!) as well as the origin of zombies (and apparently a lot of stuff about Notre Dame...and pancakes.)

As a child my fear of catastrophes was limited to house fires and thunderstorms. I was resourceful so I demanded family fire drills once a month (touch the door knob to make sure its not hot…then run outside and wait by the mailbox until firefighters arrive…leave American Girl dolls behind) and made sure to sleep on the side of the bed closest to door in order to make a quick escape. My obsession with the end of the world obviously began with the great Y2K fiasco of 1999. In this great modern era where technology and information are happy bedfellows I have learned of a multitude of ways in which our universe could through a temper tantrum that would lead us to our untimely end…and you better believe I have made preparations far past what side of the bed I slumber on (although it is always wise to sleep nearest to the exit.)

Here’s the thing, I’m okay with dying in an apocalyptic event…as long as I have done everything in my power to try and survive it first. If mother earth is hit by a large meteor, asteroid, comet or other celestial object and despite my UV sunglasses, Captain America shield, and duct tap…I still go up in smoke with the rest of the planet…I’ll be cool with that. I did by damndest. But so help me if the polar ice caps melt and I drown because I didn’t make room in my cabinet for a raft. So I present to you my friends A Beginners Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse in the hopes that when our darkest hour approaches we remembered to put a flashlight in the downstairs bathroom and see each other on the other side. I left out the obvious stuff like food, blankets, firewood, copies of the most important contributions to literature (Harry Potter) because if you don’t know that already I can’t help you and you probably wouldn’t last very long anyways.

Zombie Apocalypse

Lets get one thing straight: Zombies are gross. And like all gross things such as cockroaches and vicious rumors, zombies are darn hard to kill. My extensive research has revealed that the only way to kill a zombie is by destroying its brain. In the event of a Zombie apocalypse, most likely caused by a mutant strain of vegetable ingested by the “health conscious” of our society (I made that up), you will want to have a crow bar, gasoline, matches, and if you’re crafty…an Egyptian obelisk. The crow bar is for one on one combat with a zombie, you simply need to get a height advantage over the grody creep and greet its decaying skull with the swift fury of your L-shaped iron sword. If you are confronted with a mob of the undead, fear not for the benefit of a zombie apocalypse is that zombies are notoriously stupid and slow (don’t get cocky and start calling it a Stupid-pocalypse…the cocky ones are always the first to go.) Cover those lolly-gaggers in petrol and light ‘em up. The heat of your homemade inferno will melt their brain thus rendering them harmless…though I imagine it will cause one hell of a stink. Egyptian obelisks are said to have mystical properties that ward off the living dead so if you have the where-with-all to acquire one you might not even know a Zombie Apocalypse has struck.

Yellowstone Super Volcano

Since 2008 geologists at Yellowstone National Park have been closely monitoring the rise and fall of the Yellowstone Plateau. These geo-nerds discovered that from 2004 to 2008 the floor of this plateau had risen 8 inches. Why you ask? For beneath the scenic tranquility of our beloved national park lurks…a SUPERVOLCANO! Yellowstone has erupted three times in the past 2.1 million years, the most recent occurrence a measly 640,000 years ago! And all five supervolcano documentaries I have watched agree that Yellowstone will blow again. So how does one prepare for an explosion 2,500 times greater than the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens? First, be aware of the blast zone…if you live west of the Mississippi you’re dunzo. Everybody else collect the following: goggles, shovel, more gasoline, twinkies. The goggles are to protect your eyes from the sulfuric rain that will fall as a result of the enormous ash cloud that will blanket earth. The shovel is to dig your way through the tons of ash that will fall as result of aforementioned ash cloud. Lots o’ stuff falling from the sky in this apocalypse. Oh, almost forgot the twinkies. First they taste good. Second they have an incredibly long shelf life so if you get “ashed” in you should be okay for at least a thousand years…depending on if you go to Costco or not. Your call.

Asteroid Apocalypse

Apparently there’s no way to escape an apocalyptic asteroid. The top nerds at NASA (and my brother) tell me that as of right now no technology exists that could prevent an asteroid from colliding with Earth once its trajectory is set…which it will be…like billions of light years ago. Not even Bruce Willis, a nuclear bomb, and a kick ass soundtrack could help us. I suggest buying a seat on those moon rockets by Virgin Galactic in the hopes that they’re ready to go in time…and then try really hard not to turn into those fatties from Wall-E. However if you don’t have the spare $100 million lying around (the going rate I am told by my sources at Space Booking) grab a 6 pack of Shock Top End of the World (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!), gather ye loved ones and throw our beloved planet a going away party for the ages (see my next guide There's So Much Left To Do: Party Planning for the Apocalypse)

Time Travel Paradox

If you are reading this blog and considering traveling back in time please take a moment to seriously consider the ramifications of altering the space-time continuum. If you are the Doctor, I live in Carbondale, please come pick me up. If you do not understand that reference than there is a part of me that you will never truly know. 

If the end of the world is truly upon us I say bring it on. We’re not dinosaurs.